I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i think im in europe. pls send help
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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