I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
