I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
