It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just high enough for therapy.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dear god my vagina.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
