Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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