all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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