im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
