I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
