Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
