Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I believe in your delicious
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
