Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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