You made me cry and you don't even care
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
