please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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