im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
