How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
