dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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