I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
