I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
