Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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