I didn't shave. On purpose
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
