we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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