Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
