I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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