I puked a lego.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
