i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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