I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
