I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
