just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
