yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
