I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
