Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
