Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
