my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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