I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
