my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
