Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
