just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
