When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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