Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
