just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
