Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
