I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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