I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
