guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Randomize
