I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
