I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
