im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
