Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
