The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
