In America we eat man semen.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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