You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
