i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm getting married
To pizza
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
